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I do not want to lose my hope.

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Nae's Nest:

What Cancer Brings, check out this blog. It is wonderful.

Originally posted on What Cancer Brings:

I will find strength in weakness
Grace in despair
Beauty in the commonplace
New aspects of normality through each trial that comes
For my loved one and myself.

I will journey through darkness and never give up

Help my patient endure when endurance is all there is

Provide love, patience and understanding

I will not be perfect
But I will allow myself my own humanity
Even as I struggle, each day to be strong.
Even as I wake each morning saying the same prayer;
God, please give me the strength to get through this day.

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Dr. Franklinliver

Dear Diary,

It is time a put an update in here. Since my last trip to the Doctor, I have not been feeling well. Funny how going to the hospital makes you sick.

The surgeon discovered a 4th tumor on my liver. Luckily, he is very confidant he can safely remove all 4. I will be have a Partial left hepatectomy and microwave ablation, Wednesday the 18th. Quite a mouthful, isn’t it….lol

The procedure, roughly translated, means part of my liver is going to be carved out completely while the 2 smallest tumors are going to get cooked.

About 20% of my liver will be completely removed. It turns out, the liver, if otherwise “healthy” is the only human organ which can grow back. However, there is a strong possibility, there will be other tumors found once the doctor is able to actually see my liver.

The surgery is a big deal. ICU is already reserved, just in case. I also am currently wearing a hospital bracelet which both identifies a blood bank being stored up just for me. If I dare to show up at the hospital without this bracelet, I will have to reschedule the procedure.

When I think about this type of preparation, it makes me a little nervous. Therefore, I don’t think about it. It is much easier that way.

I have also been upgraded to stage 4 metastatic liver cancer. This is the “terminal” stage. However, given my age and if my “will” is strong enough, I could still bounce back and beat this thing.

At the moment, the thing I dread the most is having to repeat chemotherapy….Can you believe it? Having my liver both filated and microwaved bothers me less that having to face chemo again.

I hope I do not lose any of my readers while I am in the hospital. I will be at the very lovely James Center hotel for 10 to 14 days of fun-filled hospital days! I hope to have my laptop with me, however….well, I may be too sick to even check email for a few days.

I love writing and I enjoy this blog so much. I work out my frustrations here, and people actually read it and laugh, cry or even “feel” what I am feeling as I write.

I want to live long enough to see myself published. Well, let’s face…truth is I just want to live

My Journey With Cancer

January 6, 2011

Dear Diary,

Goodness, where to begin?  It has now been 1 year since I began this journey.  Lately, it seems, I fail every test and exam the Doctor orders.  The watery mass in my pelvis, by the grace of God, disappeared.

However, a lump was found in my left breast after having a mammogram.  I had to go back to the hospital the very next day for a spot check mammography of the breast.  I waited at the hospital while a Doctor read those results immediately.  (My heart began pounding in my ears).  The nurse came back and said the Doctor ordered an ultrasound on the breast which further scared me–to be done NOW.  I literally began to shake.  Once the ultrasound was completed those results where rushed to the Doctor ASAP while I waited right there on the mammogram table crying.   Finally the nurse came back and said my regular Doctor would have the results the next day but not to worry.

I had an appointment the next morning with my Doctor for those results.  It turns out the lump (about the size of my thumb) is a cyst which should go away on it’s own.  Thank God again.

However, my Doctor was still concerned because my stomach doesn’t seem to be responding to the prescribed drug treatments.  Yesterday, another endoscopy was performed.  (My second one in a month).  The ulcers are worse, although not bleeding yet.  I have lost 30lbs since Thanksgiving and have been unable to sleep except for brief cat naps for weeks now.  I am exhausted.  My surgeon wants to get with my oncologist regarding the ulcers.  Previous biopsies has been negative, but he did 2 more yesterday.  I can’t help but get the feeling my Doctor still suspects cancer though so far, all tests have come back OK.