Archives For domestic violence

Shadow Talk

Nae's Nest —  February 3, 2013 — 4 Comments
His reach is long and far
Once his rage is exposed
His lips pull back, revealing fangs
His hands curl into talons
In the shadows he lurks on distant planes
Always on the alert and ready to strike
If only I had known, I would have stayed out of his sight
I would have listened to the shadows talk
I would have known to stay in the light
I should have never taken that walk
I put myself within his reach
Unable to resist, he picked me like a fresh peach
Pulling me deep into the shadows
The point of no return
The place where sin is created
The place where man will burn
Chained with unseen links, heavy with my guilt
My tears singe my cheeks
My hopes and my dreams begin to wilt
Had I only listened to myself, that feeling within my gut
I would have never befriended him
I would have slammed the door shut
For once he had me fooled
The rest was easy
Pulling me into a place, dark and sleazy
The shadows tried to warn me
I could hear them chatter in the wind
If only I had listened
God! What a mess I am in!
He spoke words of love
He said I was beautiful
I believed his lies, I was such a fool
His fist large and strong
Comes down like a hammer
Leaving me dazed and confused
All I could do was stammer
Pulling me by the hair
My head beating the ground
He turned and with his boot
He kicked hard, I could not make a sound
All my air knocked out
Helpless in his grasp
My next memory is here
When I awoke with a gasp
To find myself in hell
No way to get out
Deep inside the shadow
No one can hear if I shout
The beast is always near
He has his way with me
Raped of body, raped of soul
Until finally there is nothing left o me
The serpent swallowed me whole
Consumed by fire of the shadow
Crawling in the belly of sin
If only my instinct I had followed
My life would not be coming to an end
If only I listened to the shadows talk
Had I gone another way
I could have been enveloped in love
I could have lived to see, another day
Renee Robinson

My Wolf, My Man

Nae's Nest —  January 14, 2013 — Leave a comment

Honey,

I have some news about the other day. The day of the attack, I am unhappy to say. I don’t know where to start, I just can’t begin. I think it best, if I just jump on in. He had no weapon, this is true. But he had his fists, what was I to do? Something happened, far worse than the beating. This must be stressed, before proceeding. Forgive me for going over the parts that you’ve heard. I want to tell as it happened, word for word.

Why he came over, I really don’t know. He was angry with someone, is what I suppose.He came unannounced. Anger blazed in his eyes, I knew he would pounce. He never said much, not with his speech. Allowing his fists to talk, hitting all within reach. He came after me hard, breaking into my house. He was the cat, I was the mouse. I was still wet from the shower. Only in my robe, I began to coward. He began to explode.

He pushed me on down the hall. slamming me against, the bedroom wall. Next I felt as his hands slithered on my skin. Underneath my robe, the ultimate sin. I couldn’t tell you. I was too ashamed. Afraid you couldn’t love me.  Afraid I would be blamed.  I should have fought harder. Fought to my death, fought until I took my last breath.

Something inside decided to kick in.  A wolf somehow born from deep within. He came out of my body and gave out a howl. Biting my intruder, making him cowl. This allowed a small window of time for the attacker to change his mind. No longer looking to satisfy the flesh, he wished to beat me until I’d regret. It was the most brutal display one could imagine. Finally ending with a shatter of glass as my head and a window came to a crash.

Next I recall is the ER. Scared, confused and still seeing stars. After 57 stitches scattered throughout, from the hospital I was wheeled out. Once I was home, and safe in my bed, I heard the wolf howl somewhere overhead.  Hours later, in the next day.  My attacker was released, his bail fully paid. He is free to roam and I am imprisoned.  Scared, alone and afraid to leave, my own home.

When I feel frightened that he might be near.  The howl of the wolf, I soon do hear. For the wolf’s spirit, I am grateful. Keeping me safe. He is protective and fearless. On him I cling, as I pray. Asking the we both, be watched over another day.

Honey, I thank you for being my wolf. Finding a way to protect me under my roof. Praise the heavens for creating our flame. Sensing each other, for we are the same. There to protect, in spirit and soul. Feeling my pain, you came running and bold. Ready to attack without remorse. Protecting my life with severe force. Forever I am devoted to you. My Wolf, My Man,

I love you

Fingernails Screeching

Nae's Nest —  August 2, 2012 — 8 Comments

The silence was like fingernails screeching down the blackboard.  The grinding of teeth.  The exultation of the people was Sheer and true happiness.  Too bad it was over.  No one knows when the next one will be. These shows are rare, but man!! They sure are worth the wait,

Getting out of bed in the morning.  The children excited asking over and over  “Is it time to go yet.  Is it time to go?” Calm down little ones.  It won’t be long.  Let me pack some bread and cheese.

Let’s see,  all that’s left is  feeding and changing the baby.  Oh, I better check on Amu first.  Make certain I have his clothes out and ready.  And I need to wake him in about a half hour.

I know he was out catting around again.  But, that’s the way men are.  If only I were pretty and young again.  3 children so far, not bad for 25.  If only I hadn’t of lost the twins when Amu helped me down the stairs  I am so slow at getting pregnant.  Poor Amu gets so angry.  I swear, I think he believes he can literally shake a baby out of me.

Well, little one. Off the breast you come.  All fed and dressed and ready to go.  Time to wake up you father.  No, no…shhhh shhhh.  Now don’t you cry.  I will leave you in here if your cry.  Your father says a baby’s cry hurts his sensitive ears.  He can’t help it little one.  His father was  the same way.  That’s a good baby.  Mama will take you to see Papa now.

Quietly and slowly she walks into the room.  Being extra careful not to spill or drop anything.  Damn, who let the cat in, she wondered, as she watched her jump into the window sill her favorite spot.

Amu hates her.  He says one more mess and she’s dinner.  I tell him she’s a good mouser.  So, he says “then why do we have mice”….I keep thinking we’d be crawling in mice without her, but I do not dare say it to him.  So, I just nod in agreement and pray.

Ok.  Baby you lay next to your father and coo real sweet.  Be a his “little cherub”.

Now I must get the oil and rub into my hands, and rub his back.  His favorite and only way he wants to wake  in the mornings. He starts to moan in lust.  He opens his eyes and sees the baby.  Marta!  The baby AGAIN!  Why must you bring him in here everytime you wake me?  You know I do not like having him in here when I collect my marital rites.

You know I dislike this.  You stupid, stupid girl.  See what kind of mother you have?  He picks up the baby and faces him toward Marta.  With his other hand he roughly grips her by the hair to pull her down into the baby’s face.  This is what you have for a mother, my poor one and only son.  She can’t birth sons.  She lost twin boys!  She shames me, she shames you.

Holding back her tears, Marta gently reminds Amu of the showing in town.  She lets him know happily through watery eyes that everything is all packed and ready, even the children.  He only needs to put on the clothes she laid out for him.

With a growl, he lets her go.  She finishes his back rub.  She then washes his face, combs his long glorious hair.  She washes his feet.  He looks at her hatefully.  Still holding a grudge.   At moments like this, he has been known to kick her in the head.  Well, she sighs, when he is upset with me at least it means usually, he is not upset with the girls.  Oh, if only she would have all boys….

Woman! he bellows.  Your small mind is wondering.  Watch what you do.  You are getting water all over the floor.  For what?  You wish that I slip and fall?  Is this why? Before she can answer, he gets up and pushes her aside.  OH if only you were showing today.  I could use the sparse bits you would bring in when the bets are on.  That is the best part.  To bet how long it will take.  Smiling broadly, he heads for the kitchen muttering something better be ready for him to eat.

Meanwhile she cleaned the mess in the bedroom and told the girls it was time to go, as if they couldn’t hear their father yelling at Marta to get her girls outside now or else be left behind.

They walk the short way to town.  The girls quietly trail behind their father, knowing better than to walk in front of him.    During the walk, Marta’s thoughts were on Tampa, her friend who would be on show today.  She has 7 babies to care for.  Marta knew Tampa was innocent, but the courts do not care.  They love the power it bestows upon them.  Her dear sweet friend.  Going to show on charges her husband made up.  All because he loves someone else.  The show was the best, most enjoyable way to rid himself of her, not to mention the gambling.

They arrive. Marta and the children find a nice spot atop a large rock.  Amu helps get the girls on the rock and instructs them to stay there and watch.  They were about to learn a valuable lesson about what happens if you are a bad wife and mother.  After helping Marta up on the rock, he hands her the baby.  Without a word, he goes up front where the men gather to gamble and to get in on the action, which was the best part.  They bet on how big  a bounce they get when their rock hits Tamba’s head.

The silence was like fingernails screeching down the blackboard.  The grinding of teeth.  The exultation of the people.  Sheer and true happiness.  Too bad it was over.

No one knows when the next one will be.  Marta wonders if it will be as she? Looking around, she sees her reflection in the drinking water.    A curse!  Seeing your reflection right after a death.  Oh Dear God!  Quickly she lowered her eyes and walked away.

Tamba was falsely accused of cheating on her husband, it was he that was fooling around.  Everyone knew.  For it was no secret.  In fact, there is all ready a date set for the wedding.  The men enjoy the show too much.  The women fear it too much.  Life is wonderful when everything goes smoothly.

The fingernails quietly screeching down the blackboard.  A woman’s screams go unheard.

Sheer and true happiness.

Stuck

Nae's Nest —  May 29, 2012 — Leave a comment

I am my own captor

I have hidden for so long

Trapped within myself

I no longer know where I belong

Self-inflicted wounds

I had to protect myself

Suicide of the soul

Destroyed mental health

I couldn’t face the pain

The fear was more than I could stand

I did not know what else to do

Like a magician with a slight of hand

 I hid within my mind

No one ever knew

Not unlike splitting personalities

Except I was aware

She was hidden deep in the shadows of my mind

Shrinking in despair

I could no longer save her

I took too much control

For me to let her out

My image would go into the lull

Separated too long, we are now two

I do not want to kill her

What do I do?

She is me, I am her

She is real

I am here because of her

Created of our mind

When I was only a dream

She made me come out

I was the one who screamed

Whenever his hand would strike

I became his target

That wench is stuck in my head

Because she couldn’t take it

I will not let her out

She is weak

I am strong

She is meek

She will stay right where she is

No one will know but me

I hear her crying to come out

How ironic, don’t you see?

She willingly traded places

She wanted me to live

How stupid she is

To think my life

I’d give

Renee Robinson

Complete Trust

Nae's Nest —  May 4, 2012 — 7 Comments

I will stand behind you

I trust you to lead the way

I will lead the way

Because I know

You always have my back

Complete trust

Something truly rare

To have life in your hands

And to know you will be there

*

We seek all of our lives

From the moment we are born

For someone to love

Love should never be foreign

I ache for those who

Have never had love

Especially the child

Who is shoved

Who is innocent

Who loves the hand

The hand that strikes him

Too young to understand

*

I have always been loved

I have never been without

I have been truly blessed

But my heart wants to shout

Shout for those

Desperate for love

Who have only known

Hands that shove

I cry for those

Shadowed in fear

Afraid to come out

Knowing what’s there

*

My opening words

I have a hunch

A brand new meaning

With a hard punch

Like opening the eyes

As well as the heart

A sadness now there

Hidden from the start

Thinking of those

Who live in the dark

Afraid to come out

Only fear in the heart

Who could never trust in love

Something they never had

These words now different

These words now sad

*

I will stand behind you

I trust you to lead the way

I will lead the way

Because I know

You always have my back

Complete trust

Something truly rare

To have life in your hands

And to know you will be there

Renee Robinson

Love Letters

Nae's Nest —  April 21, 2012 — 1 Comment

I found a love letter this morning

Imagine my surprise, it was for me

My hands shaking as I opened it

The words inside were exquisite

*

It was left unsigned, no identity

A secret admirer,  a pleasant mystery

*

Time moved on

My heart grew fonder

The letters kept coming

“Who is he?”, I would wonder

*

Then one day, things seemed to shift

He was coming to visit

My heart began to lift

My heart soared

As if on wings of gold

So happy I was

To see the mystery unfold

*

He came knocking on my door

The most gorgeous man

In the entire world

He whisked me away

We traveled the globe

He captured my heart

Love began to grow

*

The one day on bended knee

He asked me for my hand

He had a ring he gave to me

He put on a shaky hand

*

It was then I began to cry

So happy, he made me

I felt so blessed and adored

This was all new to me

*

A small wedding we had planned

It was beautiful

Eager for the honeymoon

We left when the moon was full

*

He took me to a private place

His family had for years

It was eerie from neglect

But I didn’t care

*

In his arms he carried me

Over the threshold

Placing me on the bed

The honeymoon was to unfold

*

For two weeks, just he and I

No happier a couple could be

I was busy packing up

Preparing for us to leave

*

He came up  with a knife

Attacking me from behind

Dragging me to the cellar

I had been a fool the entire time

*

I looked at him with teary eyes

This whole time I was his victim

I had been blinded by love

Which never existed

*

He lured me in with sweet words

Like a cat with his cream

Good looks and charming smile

Fulfilling fairytale dreams

*

Locked up in this cellar

His prisoner I became

Have been for many years

I have myself to blame

*

So quick I had been

To fall in love with his letters

Never taking the time

To get to know him better

*

Locked up in a getaway

No one knows exists

Married to the devil

Scarred by his kiss

Renee Robinson

Happy Ingnorance

Nae's Nest —  March 29, 2012 — Leave a comment

One day I awoke

The sun had no face

Everything out-of-place

Darkness and isolation

Poverty and starvation

What sort of world was this?

Where have I gone?

I want to go back

I want to move on

The air is cold and stifling

Hard to breath

Frightening

This world can’t be heaven

But there is no fire and brimstone

Maybe the earth died

And I am alone?

*

Is this the first time

I ever opened my eyes?

45 yeas old

Did I somehow awake wise?

I am more apt to believe

I have lost my mind

Along with the world

Along with history and time

 I grew up in a bubble

Shielded with love

Safe from trouble

This is what I was not supposed to see

The child crying of hunger

In pain and misery

I was not to witness

The crime and abuse

Caused by human hand

For no good reason

But just because he can

I want to be a newborn

I want my rose-colored glasses

I do not like this part of the world

The part I chose to ignore

*

Oh Dear Lord

chose

To ignore

All of these years

I lived in my bubble

Safe from all harm

But not taking any action

Blind ignorance distraction

Caused by human hand….

Exactly like the man

Who chose crime and abuse

For no good reason

But just because he can

I am just as guilty

My hands are unclean

Choosing to be blind

Ignorant of the unseen

Together

United

WE

Have the power to change

Power in numbers

45-year-old newborns

Time to wake up

No longer a stillborn

Make a change

Make a difference

Sound your voice

No More  Happy Ignorance

by Renee Robinson

I love my daddy

Nae's Nest —  March 21, 2012 — 6 Comments

I see Daddy

Mommy is hurt

I’m so scared

Blood on her shirt

*

It was my fault

We were eating dinner

I had a blue ribbon

I was a winner

I was happy

I won a race

For the first time

For my project on space

I talked at the table, Daddy got mad

“You broke a command” He started to shout

*

Cuz I’m not allowed, To speak when we eat, But I was so happy

*

 Now I’ll be beat

*

Mommy tried to stop him

So he beat Mommy

All my fault

Cuz she tried to save me

*

But I was so excited

Over a stupid ribbon

I forgot the rule

I’ll never be forgiven

*

So many commands

More than God’s

Daddy says he’s better

Cuz he has more laws

*

I don’t know

What to think

I pray to God

Under the sink

*

But he always finds me

Daddy is cruel

Beats me so bad

I sometimes miss school

*

Mommy says keep praying

She’s saving money

With God’s help

We’ll runaway

Tonight’s the night

We’re gonna run

To a shelter

Go underground

In the ground?

I am frightened

But Daddy’s worse

Fast as lightenin’

*

But Mommy says

It’s not “underground”

It means hiding

I think fooling around?

It sounds fun now

A trip we are taking

Safe from Daddy

I’m no longer shaking

*

Please, Dear God,Take us far away

*

I love my daddy

*

But we just can’t stay

by Renee Robinson