May 1, 2012 “Dancing With Cancer”, Too Alive

Nae's Nest —  May 2, 2012 — 10 Comments

May 1, 2012

Dear Diary,

It is so difficult to cope.  The pain in my feet is intolerable.  I have tried every pain concoction imaginable, but nothing takes the pain.

When relief was finally found in the form of an infusion pump, I was elated.  The pump is about the size of hockey puck.  It would have been surgically placed just under the skin in my abdomen.  Leads are connected to the hockey puck and threaded around my waist and into my spinal fluid sac. The venom of a sea-snail would have been injected directly into my spinal sac for the rest of my life.  This treatment has been used for several years for those afflicted with Multiple Sclerosis.

Recently, studies have shown the venom to also be effective for Peripheral Nueropathy.  Which is a similar condition to mine.  I can not recall the name of my condition at the moment.  (another frustrating result of chemotherapy).

My point, my reason for this entry is because at this moment the pain is so severe, I am praying for death.  Please just take me.  It seems such a cruel joke to have this treatment offered to me after over a year of suffering, to have it ripped out from under me.

I was to be a lab rat.  I would have been the 5th person to have this method of treatment for this specific ailment.  I went into the university.  I had some venom injected directly into my spinal fluid sac.  It was a sickening feeling which made me faint.

However, within 1 hour of the injection MY PAIN WAS GONE.  For the first time in over a year GONE!  Can you imagine?  Do you understand the impact this had on me?  I thanked God.  I sang, I chirped like a bird.  It worked!  I was a candidate for the treatment.  I would have the surgery in 2 weeks.

Do you know what happened in 2 weeks instead?  Instead of having the Godsend of a treatment, I was told the cancer spread to my liver.  I was scheduling surgery to remove 4 tumors instead.  Do you see the evilness?

And so here I am tonight, crying my eyes out again.  Grinding my teeth, literally crying in pain.  The damned SHEETS cause pain when they simply touch my feet.

Tonight, I am angry.  I am angry to have such a blessing offered to me and then taken away. It is much like offering candy to a toddler and then taking it away.   I would rather have never known about the treatment, then to know there is something out there to help me, but because this damned cancer attacked me again, I am no longer a candidate.  The doctors refuse to cut me open right now.  I am too weak.  Too frail.  Too alive.

Too alive.

Too alive.

Too alive.

 

 

Nae's Nest

Posts

I find myself "Dancing With Cancer", problem is...I can't dance. I stumble, bumble, and get pulled along. To keep my sanity, (humor me), I write short stories, a journal, musings and poetry....just about anything goes.

10 responses to May 1, 2012 “Dancing With Cancer”, Too Alive

  1. 

    Dear Nae,

    I am so sorry for your suffering. How frustrating and infuriating. I hope you know that you are always in my thoughts, and that I am always sending good thoughts your way. Hoping, wishing, praying you find relief from your pain. I don’t know how you manage to continue to create, to give your words to the world as you suffer so.

  2. 
    aparnanairphotography May 2, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    hi Nae: As a physician, I also aim to give people a moment’s peace on a daily basis. Hopefully I can allow you this opportunity as well. Thanks for your response, and please watch for my next post!

  3. 
    Chatter Master May 2, 2012 at 9:12 am

    I too pray for your pain to cease and you to sing again. It seems so hollow to just say I wish your pain away. I pray for your strength and courage, you have shared it all with us, I pray for it to be returned a thousand fold to you.

  4. 
    aparnanairphotography May 2, 2012 at 3:50 am

    hi Nae: I just stumbled upon your blog, but this post really moved me. For my next blog post, I would love to post a photo of something in your honor, that would make you happy and maybe give you a moment’s joy. If you can think of anything that comes to mind, let me know soon, and I’ll post it on my post day (Monday or Tues of next week). Thanks for sharing all of your experiences and strength.

    • 

      I am smiling at this thought. How sweet of you. My favorite color and favorite flower come to mind. Yellow Roses. It just so happens my mom’s name is Rose, which could be why she is my favorite flower. Some days are very bad. I think I would lose my mind if not for my writing and those who love me. I can’t thank you enough.

  5. 

    I pray for your pain to cease…i love you my dear cousin.love mindy

    • 

      You tear me up. I have often thought of you through the years. Some of my days are worse than others. This day, one of the bad ones. I suppose it is strange of me to hope what I write may hopefully help someone else with their own struggles but it comforts me to hope so.I love you and have a surprise or two for you, which I hope brings back a memory or two.

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