May 1, 2012
It is so difficult to cope. The pain in my feet is intolerable. I have tried every pain concoction imaginable, but nothing takes the pain.
When relief was finally found in the form of an infusion pump, I was elated. The pump is about the size of hockey puck. It would have been surgically placed just under the skin in my abdomen. Leads are connected to the hockey puck and threaded around my waist and into my spinal fluid sac. The venom of a sea-snail would have been injected directly into my spinal sac for the rest of my life. This treatment has been used for several years for those afflicted with Multiple Sclerosis.
Recently, studies have shown the venom to also be effective for Peripheral Nueropathy. Which is a similar condition to mine. I can not recall the name of my condition at the moment. (another frustrating result of chemotherapy).
My point, my reason for this entry is because at this moment the pain is so severe, I am praying for death. Please just take me. It seems such a cruel joke to have this treatment offered to me after over a year of suffering, to have it ripped out from under me.
I was to be a lab rat. I would have been the 5th person to have this method of treatment for this specific ailment. I went into the university. I had some venom injected directly into my spinal fluid sac. It was a sickening feeling which made me faint.
However, within 1 hour of the injection MY PAIN WAS GONE. For the first time in over a year GONE! Can you imagine? Do you understand the impact this had on me? I thanked God. I sang, I chirped like a bird. It worked! I was a candidate for the treatment. I would have the surgery in 2 weeks.
Do you know what happened in 2 weeks instead? Instead of having the Godsend of a treatment, I was told the cancer spread to my liver. I was scheduling surgery to remove 4 tumors instead. Do you see the evilness?
And so here I am tonight, crying my eyes out again. Grinding my teeth, literally crying in pain. The damned SHEETS cause pain when they simply touch my feet.
Tonight, I am angry. I am angry to have such a blessing offered to me and then taken away. It is much like offering candy to a toddler and then taking it away. I would rather have never known about the treatment, then to know there is something out there to help me, but because this damned cancer attacked me again, I am no longer a candidate. The doctors refuse to cut me open right now. I am too weak. Too frail. Too alive.