Jonah was making God very mad. The Lord would give Jonah a direct order, “Jonah, I want you to go out and witness for me. Tell everyone about me so that they might be saved”.
Jonah would go on about his business. He’d stop and play some pool with the guys. On Wednesdays, he played poker. Oh! How he looked forward to that night. Let’s see, oh yes…on Fridays, we would hang out at a local tavern, hoping to find a girl.
And so the week went by, still no witnessing. Jonah was walking about looking for something to do, when God spoke. “Jonah!”
Rolling his eyes, Jonah said, “Yes, Lord?”
“Tell me Jonah, what have you been doing this past week?”
“Lord, I was so busy. I had to work late every night last week. Jeremiah, you know him, kept burning the fries and I caught him picking a hamburger patty up from the floor and put it on a bun. He was going to serve it to someone Lord. Can you believe that? I don’t know why McMoses keeps him.”
The Lord was drumming his fingers, a noise which sounds an awful lot like thunder. Jonah was shaking, but trying to seem smooth, slick and calm.
“Jonah, you failed to witness yet again. How many times have I told you to go out and witness. Tell everyone all about me. Tell them that you love?? I am beginning to think you don’t love me”
“God, that’s not true. I love you Father. Truly I do.”
“Then you must be ashamed of me.”
“No, no Lord. Don’t say that. It’s not true.”
“I just don’t know what I am going to do with you. Over and over, I have asked you to do just one little thing for me and noooo! You won’t do it. This time I am going to have to punish you Jonah.”
Jonah turned white, he was growing faint, “Pppunish me? Are you ging to whip me?”
“No Jonah. You will be begging me to whip you once you have experienced this, provided you survive.”
Gulp, “Sssurvive, Lord?”
“Jonah, I am going to toss you in the sea and let the fish take care of you.”
Oh! Thought Jonah. Phew! Jonah was pleased. He was a champion swimmer. He was confidant he could make it back to shore, or at the very least, be able to trend water until a fisherman floated on by.
While Jonah was pondering God’s plan over, God reached down and grabbed him by the seat of his pants. Jonah was hanging upsidedown. He could hear his pants tearing.
He start yelling, “Lord, my britches are tttearing. Lord! You’re gonna drop me. Do you hear me Father?” His pants torn just a little more.
Jonah could now see the ocean. He prayed to God that He would not drop him until he was over the ocean. ripppp. Jonah closed his eyes tight. He was not over the water yet. He began to cry, rip! He was falling. Falling, down, down, down, splash!
Jonah began to swim. Backstroke, doggie paddle, gladiator smoothie, and finally the Deadman’s float.
Jonah thought he saw something….a shark? There it was again, what is that thing he wondered. Just then, the fish jumped up and out of the water, making a big arch, mouth open and -gulp went Jonah. He grabbed tight to the whale’s uvula, screaming like a banshee!
Finally, the uvula slipped out of his grip, he dropped on the tongue and slide down. If he had not been so scared, the slide would have been fun, he thought.
Once he was settled inside the stomach, he began to look around. “God!”, he yelled. “Father, are you there?’ I think a mistake has been made God. I got swallowed by a fish. God?”
God was angry and chose not to answer. He was going to make sure this would be the last time he would ever need to punish Jonah again.
Jonah was getting cold. The stomach was a mess. Stomach! Oh my! Stomach I am in the stomach! thought Jonah. I will digest and be shot out his poop-trap. I don’t want to go through his poop! No! I won’t do it. I will find another way out. I am NOT going to be pooped out.
Looking around, he couldn’t believe what all a whale will eat. There was a stool and a chair, even a skeleton of a man. Jonah didn’t particularly like that.
He found a rope. He used it to tie himself into the stomach so he could not be pooped out. He wondered if the whale would feel constipated. He also found some wood which he used to make the fire. Luckily he had his Bic Lighter with him. He built his fire was managed to be quite cozy.
And so, things pretty much played out this way for the next several days. Jonah was tired of seafood. He wanted a big juicy McMoses burger. He had spent most of his waking time trying to think of ways to escape, but nothing except going down the pooper could come to him. He was getting desperate enough to do it.
Jonah got on his knees to pray. “Dear Lord,” he prayed. “Please forgive me. I have learned my lesson. I will do anything you say. I will even go through the pooper, if you say so Lord.”
The Lord spoke “Geeez, son. What took you so long? Don’t you worry about going though the poop-shoot. I’ll get you out boy, hang on for the ride.”
The fish began to move fast. It seemed as if she were flying. A great rumbling sounded deep in her gut. Jonah remembered to untie himself. The fish let out an enormous belch just as she hit land. Out popped, Jonah.
From this day forth, Jonah usually obeyed God. They got along much better.
by Renee Robinson